How often is your child in charge?

When your child isn’t doing what you want, how often do you resort to negotiating, bribes, rewards, or even threats to get them to cooperate?  As parents, we don’t want to think that we threaten or bribe our kids—but pretty much every parent has been there.  

You have somewhere you’re supposed to be, and your child isn’t cooperating. So you threaten that you won’t go to the park, play date, or party unless they get dressed, eat, or pick up their toys—or you bribe them to do what you need them to do so you can get out the door.

Can you hear yourself saying: If you don’t get dressed, pick up your toys, or have dessert…  then you can’t go to the park, watch your show, or get dessert?

I used threats and bribes often when my kids were little, and I know it’s a typical strategy for many parents.  But when we try to convince our kids to change their behavior, we give them control of the situation and let them set the rules for the interaction.  

When parents try to negotiate, convince, reward, bribe, or threaten, we are ceding control to our kids, and we put them in charge.  

This came up in a coaching session just this week. I’m working with the parents of a very strong-willed toddler, who has a very clear agenda that often doesn’t match his parents. The parents had used bribes, rewards, and threats and tried to convince and negotiate. The results were inconsistent, and they often found themselves at the mercy of their child, which was how they found their way to me.

I’ve been teaching them about boundaries and choices and giving them tools and strategies to help de-escalate a situation or avoid conflict altogether. Things have been improving, but the mom was still struggling to hold a boundary at times.

When I asked her why she had a hard time holding the boundary, she told me I don’t want him to be mad, sad, or upset.  I try to get creative so he doesn't have to feel these feelings.

This mom knew logically that her child needed to feel negative feelings at times, but in the heat of the moment, her gut instinct was to help fix things so he didn’t. This is a very common reaction for many parents, but one that will lead to negotiations, bribes, or rewards, and ultimately ineffective parenting.

One of the top reasons parents cede control to their kids is because the parents are uncomfortable with the negative emotions the child experiences when they don’t get their way.

Unfortunately, we are not helping our kids when we protect them from negative feelings.  They will experience negative emotions throughout their entire lives, so instead of teaching our kids to avoid them, we want to teach them how to deal with them.

I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your own parenting.  How often do you try to negotiate, reward, bribe, or threaten your child to get them to do what you want them to do, and how often is your child in charge?

If you find that your child is running the show, I highly recommend that you join us in the Confident Parenting Club this month.  I’m teaching about boundaries and how you can take back control while staying emotionally connected to your kids, and without feeling like you’re being mean.  Click here to check out the club, or click here to hop on a free call with me if you have any questions.