When you disagree with how your parent partner disciplines

I invite you to take a few moments to reflect on your discipline style and that of your parenting partner.  Do you have opinions about how your spouse or partner disciplines and parents?  We all have opinions about the best way to handle challenges with our kids.  Unfortunately, we usually have those opinions while watching them handle a situation with our kids.  

We think we can “help” or handle the situation better, so we insert ourselves and our parenting opinions as it’s happening.  However, stepping into a parenting situation and disagreeing or overriding our partner typically does not produce our intended result and instead can create a number of different issues.

The first issue we run into when we insert ourselves into a parenting situation is that we likely end up irritating our partner.  They can end up feeling inadequate and disrespected and think we don’t believe they can handle the situation.  When that happens, they certainly don’t start parenting better, and things tend to get worse.

The second issue we run into when we insert ourselves into a parenting situation with our partner is that we confuse our kids!  Imagine that for your kids; it’s like having two bosses with two different agendas. You want to please each boss, but you don’t know what you should be doing, and they each have different priorities and expectations.  

The third issue you run into when you openly disagree or override your parenting partner is that you open the door for your kids to start pitting one parent against the other to get what they want.  If your kids know that mom or dad will go against the other and give in, they will play you.

Finally, if you disagree with how your partner is handling something and you are trying to fix it as it’s happening, you tend to overcompensate in the opposite direction.  As I explained in last week’s article, if you think your partner is being too strict or lenient, you usually end up parenting in response to your partner instead of what’s best and most effective for your kids.

Knowing all of this, what do you do if you don’t agree with how your partner is handling a challenge with your kids?

You let your partner handle the situation, and then you have a conversation afterward when it’s a good time. Know up front that if you are critical, your partner is very likely to get defensive. Instead, open the conversation with the goal of getting on the same page.

I have to throw in one caveat: if you ever feel that your children are unsafe, you should absolutely step in immediately.

If you and your partner, spouse, or co-parent often disagree over parenting, I highly recommend checking out my newest workshop, How To Get On The Same Parenting Page.  I will be sharing conversation strategies to help guide your conversation with your parenting partner, how to help support your partner when you see them escalating and losing control, and a plan to help you become an effective parenting team. Click here to check it out.