How to deal with homework battles & struggles

Do you find yourself dealing with homework battles or struggles with your child? You're not alone. Many parents face the same struggles when their child avoids or fights homework. It's a common issue that can cause both frustration and concern.

You may be frustrated, thinking that your child is not motivated, disciplined, or downright defiant…  or you may find yourself nervous and concerned, trying to convince them that it’s not so hard—but neither of these will help you effectively support your child in getting their homework done. 

The first step to dealing with homework battles and struggles is to manage yourself.   How you think about your child’s homework struggles will directly impact your ability to stay effective and help.

We think we’re being helpful when we tell our children that their homework is not so hard, not so frustrating, or not a “dumb” assignment—but instead of your child feeling supported, it just pits us against them, leaving them feeling like we don’t understand.

Consider how you might feel if you had a report due at work and were stuck in meetings all day, so you had to do it that evening after work.  Then, when you came home and looked to your partner to commiserate with you, your partner told you not to be frustrated and just to put your head down and get it done.  I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t feel supported and would get even more frustrated!

Instead, consider it’s okay for them to feel frustrated, anxious, or want to avoid homework. This doesn’t mean they don’t have to do it; it just helps you stay more neutral about it so you can be more effective in supporting them through it.

The second step to dealing with homework struggles is to help your child feel like you’re on their team by making them feel seen and heard.  Although it seems counterintuitive, you do this by listening and validating what they’re feeling.

That can sound something like this:
Wow, that does sound like a lot of homework.
Homework stinks.
That assignment does sound tough.
Oh boy, I get it—The last thing you feel like doing when you get home from a long day at school is homework.

Just because you’re validating their feelings doesn’t mean they don’t have to do the homework.  You’re just conveying that you understand how they feel, which helps them feel like you’re on their team and support them.

Once you have listened to and validated their feelings about their homework, stop talking and give them time to process what you said. It’s hard to sit in the silence and know up front that you’ll want to fill it but wait to see how they respond.  They may surprise you, and that validation may be enough for them to settle down and get it done.

Please note that if you have been more of a cheerleader in the past, telling your child that homework isn’t so hard or bad, they might be suspicious. It may take them some time to believe that you understand and support them, but stick with it and trust that they will eventually come around.

Stay tuned for next week’s article, in which I share four tips for helping kids start and finish their homework!

Do you relate to these articles but need help to implement the strategies?  My Confident Parenting Club can help!  Inside the club, we take these strategies to the next level.  You get a weekly email with practical tips, scripts, and help to make them habits, and we have a Q&A call to help you through your biggest parenting challenges.  Click here to check out the Club, and use coupon code SCHOOL to get 25% off when you join.