How To Raise Grateful Kids

Given that we’re in the season of gratitude, we tend to talk and think more about what we are grateful for — and given that gratitude is associated with increased levels of happiness, it’s no wonder that this can be more of a “feel-good” time of year.   

One of the reasons this “feel-good” time of year happens and why we feel better is because we change our brain filters when we change our focus to gratitude.  When we start talking and thinking about what we’re grateful for, our brain starts filtering and looking for even more things we should be thankful for.  When we feel grateful, our brains start filtering and looking for more reasons why we should feel grateful.

Knowing this, how do we weave gratitude into our daily lives, and how do we raise more grateful kids?  I invite you to consider that gratitude is more than just a feeling and more than just saying thank you.  Gratitude is a practice, and researchers* found that when parents increased their own gratitude practice, their children showed increased displays of gratitude as well.

Here are four things you can do to help your kids (and you!) develop a gratitude practice.

1 - Look for things to be grateful for every day.
What in your life might you be taking for granted that you are really grateful for?
One of my favorites is indoor plumbing and sewer systems.  I am super grateful that someone invented these conveniences!  This question can inspire some really fun conversations with your kids by talking about what life might be like without them.

2 - Pay attention to the little acts of kindness in your everyday life.
We can get so caught up in everything we’re doing that we either don’t notice or don’t take a moment to truly be grateful when someone else does something that lifts us up.  It could be someone stopping to let us get ahead of them in traffic with a friendly wave, or a big smile and upbeat conversation from the cashier as you were checking out.  Your child could have had someone slide over to give them a seat on the bus, or another student held a door for them when they had their hands full.

Have conversations with your kids about the moments they experienced, and share your own by asking if they experienced any small acts of kindness that day.  Notice and bring attention to the little things they do, like giving you a big hug when they get home from school or picking up their plate after dinner without being asked. 

3 - Focus on the feelings.
Our brains are designed to justify our feelings.  This can be a problem when we are frustrated because our brain will actively search for more reasons why we should be frustrated.  But this is a great feature when we actively seek reasons to be grateful.  When we pay attention to the feelings we experience when we are grateful, our brains will look for more reasons to justify our feeling good.  The key is to really notice and feel them — versus glossing over them, which can happen when we say an automatic “thank you.”

Ask your kids:
How did you feel when someone did something nice for you?
How do you think it made them feel to do something nice for you?

You can even do this when you notice someone else doing something kind.
How do you think that person felt when they were kind to that lady?
How do you think it made the lady feel?

 These types of questions help your kids make the connection between their actions and the impact they have on how other people feel, especially when they are kind and helpful!  This is how we help our kids develop empathy.

4 - Express appreciation for that which you are grateful for.
We can miss true moments of gratitude and the opportunity to return the good feeling with an automatic “thank you” reply.  Imagine if you took just a minute to say thank you for helping to brighten my day to the cashier with the cheerful attitude, or even I’m so appreciative that you stopped to hold the door open to the person who paused to wait and hold the day for you.  I guarantee that you would make that person feel good in return.

Show your kids how to do this, and then bring it to their attention by asking how they think the person felt after you paused to say a heartfelt thank you.  Ask how they might do that in their own life.  Imagine how the volunteer in the cafeteria or on the playground might feel if a child looked them in the eye, smiled, and said thank you, I hope you have a nice day.

 For most people, developing a gratitude practice has to be intentional.  Our brains are not naturally designed to look for things to be grateful for.  Instead, they are designed to look for the negative and potential danger in our lives, as that kept our ancestors alive. We must intentionally train and program our brains to look for the good and what we are grateful for.  The good news is that when you make a practice of looking for things to be grateful for — and you model this for your kids — you help make gratitude a natural practice for them as well. 

Thank you so much for reading my blogs.  I hope these tips and strategies are helping you parent differently and that they are having a ripple effect on your kids and families.    Happy Thanksgiving! 

* Hussong, A.M., Langley, H.A., Rothenberg, W.A., Coffman, J.L., Halberstadt, A.G., Costanzo, P.R., & Mokrova, I. (2018). Raising grateful children one day at a time. Applied Developmental Science.