Does holding a boundary make you feel mean?

Does the thought of holding a boundary make you feel mean or insensitive?  Do you find yourself holding boundaries from a place of anger or punishment?  If either is true for you, you’re likely not using boundaries effectively and not getting the results you want with your kids.

In a recent article, I explained why kids need boundaries: They help them feel safe and secure and help them develop self-control.  

I also mentioned that the key to using boundaries effectively in your parenting is to use them as an effective tool and not from a place of anger or punishment.  Punishment or anger would detract from helping your kids feel secure, and you wouldn’t be modeling how you want your kids to use them.  Effective boundaries don’t leave you feeling mean or insensitive.

As parents, we want our children to feel loved and cared for, and we also want to guide and teach them how to best navigate life. But these two aspects of parenting can often work against each other. When our kids interpret our efforts to guide and teach as not loving or caring about them, it can make them mad at us and leave us feeling mean or insensitive.

How do we help our child understand that we are not saying no simply to be mean?  If we want our children to feel seen and understood even when we aren’t giving them what they want and while we are holding boundaries, we need to connect with them emotionally.

Here is what that might look like for toddlers:

I know you’re upset, sweetie.  It’s so hard when you were expecting Mommy and Daddy shows up instead.  Do you want me to sing you a song or give you a bear hug to help you feel better?

The key for the dad is to stay calm and present and acknowledge that the toddler is having a hard time without getting mad or giving in. If mom comes in, the toddler knows to hang in there and keep yelling because, eventually, mom will come.

Here’s what that might look like for a child who is upset because they can’t do what an older sibling is doing:

I know that you watch everything your older brother does, and you really want to do that, too.
I understand it’s really frustrating that you can’t join him.
I know…  it’s so hard.

See if your child will let you give them a hug or even just a reassuring hand on their shoulder. 

Know upfront that you’ll want to keep talking, but instead, take a deep breath and give them time to process.  It might be hard to wait, but sit silently until they start talking.

If your child keeps pushing, keep relating on an emotional level.
I know this is so disappointing for you.  I would be disappointed, too.
You’ll get there. When you’re 10, you’ll also have your chance to do that.

If they are relentless, hold your ground and let them know you won’t be changing your mind.
I understand you’re upset with me, and I’m okay with that.
It’s my job to keep you safe and set the rules, and I’m doing my job.
I love you, and my answer isn’t changing.

Do you see in these examples how you can pay attention to how your child is feeling and say it out loud so they feel seen and understood?  You can be empathetic and understand that your child is frustrated and disappointed while holding the boundary and not giving in. This is how you hold boundaries without feeling mean or insensitive.

If boundaries are a struggle for you, or you have a particularly strong-willed child who is resistant to any kind of boundary, please join us at my upcoming free workshop! I will present my How to Parent Through BIG Feelings workshop in Saugus on Tuesday, November 12th, followed by an open Q&A where I will answer all questions about your biggest parenting challenges.  Parents find this workshop so helpful, and everyone leaves with a much better understanding of their kids with multiple new tools and strategies in their parenting toolbox.  Click here for more information and to sign up.