Why Kids Need Boundaries & Why Parents Struggle With Them

What would you tell me if I asked you how good you are at implementing and maintaining boundaries?  Most parents I work with know that boundaries are important, but they struggle to establish them and then consistently and effectively maintain them.  I help them understand why kids need boundaries and how they are essential to your parenting toolbox to help equip your child for successfully navigating through life.

Let’s start by explaining why boundaries are so important. Boundaries help kids feel safer and more secure and help them develop self-control.

Children need to feel safe and secure as they rely on others for survival. Though children may push back or be disgruntled about rules and boundaries, a world with no limits is actually scary for a child. Boundaries create predictability for our children which helps to reduce anxiety.  Knowing what is expected of them — and what happens next — is important to their well-being.  It helps to calm down their central nervous system and increase cooperation.

Boundaries also help our children learn to develop self-control, as most kids are naturally impulsive and controlled by their whims.  Think about how often a three-year-old will interrupt to ask a question or tell you what they want.  Kids struggle with impulse control because it’s driven by their prefrontal cortex.  That part of their brain is under construction in our kids’ early years and is not fully developed until their mid-20s.  

Self-control is a skill that has to be learned and developed, and you can help develop this skill through boundaries.  Boundaries help our kids learn how to regulate their behavior and control their impulses so they can successfully navigate their lives.

Multiple studies have shown that self-control is one of the most important highly correlated strengths and predictors of success in multiple areas of life.  According to Dr. Michelle Borba, author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, self-control influences virtually every aspect of our children’s lives, it’s that crucial.

Knowing that boundaries are important, why do so many parents struggle with them?

Most parents I work with who struggle with boundaries associate them with being strict and view setting boundaries as a form of discipline. For some parents, boundaries don’t feel good, and they end up feeling mean.  Other parents use boundaries to discipline when they’ve reached their limit and are frustrated or angry. Unfortunately, punishment or anger detracts from helping kids feel secure, which is the opposite of your goal when setting boundaries.   

The key to effectively using boundaries in parenting is to use them as loving limits and not from a place of anger or punishment. 

If you struggle to set and hold boundaries, I highly recommend joining the Confident Parenting Club this month. I’ll be teaching about boundaries and how to take back control while staying emotionally connected to your kids without feeling like you’re being mean. Click here to check out the club or click here to hop on a free call with me if you have any questions.