Why Punishment Doesn't Work

As parents, we want to teach our kids appropriate behaviors to help them best navigate through life, but what’s the best way to go about correcting our kids for hitting, yelling, or throwing a fit when they don’t get their way?    These types of behaviors can trigger us as parents, and we may respond by putting our kids in a timeout, taking away privileges, or yelling and throwing a fit ourselves.  

We are trying to teach our kids not to hit, yell, lie, throw a fit, or exhibit any other host of behaviors…  but when we punish, do you think they are actually reflecting on their behavior and what they did wrong?

 Imagine that your son was playing with Legos.  He was building something intricate and his younger sibling came up and wanted to help. He was really concentrating so he told his sibling to go away.  The sibling started to pick up Lego pieces and your son reacted by hitting hard enough to leave a mark.

You’re in the middle of making dinner when your youngest comes crying and shows you the mark from his brother hitting.   You respond by sending your son to his room for a timeout until dinner.

Once your son is in his room, do you think he will reflect on his behavior?  Do you think he’s thinking about how he shouldn’t have hit his sibling, or what he can do differently next time?  Most definitely not!  Your son is going to be mad at you for sending him to his room, and angry at his sibling for starting the whole thing and getting him in trouble.

When we punish our kids, they are much more likely to end up mad at us for the punishment than to reflect on what they did wrong and learn from it.  When our kids get mad, the primitive part of their brain and fight mechanism has been activated — and access to the part of their brain that triggers learning and motivation has been shut off.  This is why punishment doesn’t work, and it’s not the most effective way to teach your kids the lessons that you want them to learn.

So what do you do?  You start by getting curious to understand what caused the behavior to begin with.  Get down on their level, address how they might be feeling and ask what happened.  

You seem really frustrated.  Can you tell me what happened?

You might take more pause if you know that your son had worked really hard on his Lego masterpiece and thought his sibling was going to ruin it.  

Once you understand, you can help your child think about their behavior and how it impacted those around them — and you can do that with simple questions after you let them know you understand.

I understand you were worried about your hard work getting destroyed, I would have been worried too.

How do you think your sibling is feeling right now?

What can you do to make things right?

This seems simple, but please be aware that the key to getting your child to reflect on their behavior will depend upon your ability to manage your own reactions.  When you get mad or shame your child for their behavior, their learning brain turns off, keeping them from learning the lesson.

I have a whole process for effective boundaries and discipline which covers how to communicate with your kids and how to deal with your own triggers so you can stay neutral and parent effectively in my Confident Parenting Toolbox.  If you struggle with how to effectively discipline or are commonly triggered by your kids, I can help. 

The process to get started is easy! Click this link to schedule a 30-minute discovery call.  On that call, we will discuss your exact challenges and their root cause.  Then we develop a personalized coaching plan and parenting toolbox where you will learn exactly what to do and say to calmly and confidently handle your specific parenting challenges so you can stay connected to your kids and have more peace in your home. 

In the meantime, download my Parent’s Back To School Survival Guide so you can stop feeling like you’re getting it wrong and disconnecting from your kids.  Be confident that you know what to do as challenges come up so you can stay connected to your kids and have the relationship you want.  

e meantime, download my Parent’s Back To School Survival Guide so you can stop feeling like you’re getting it wrong and disconnecting from your kids.  Be confident that you know what to do as challenges come up so you can stay connected to your kids and have the relationship you want.